Been a long time coming

Imagine my surprise when all of a sudden I remembered with a spark about this long forgotten, consigned to the dustbins of forgetfulness and the malady of procrastination this mode of self expression I so often used to take refuge in on many a windswept and rain-soaked day when my fingers used to tremble for the feel of the keyboard. A strange sense of solitude yet companionship at the same time. 

So much has happened in life while my blog stood still. Events unforeseen which caused me to doubt the very nature of our existence and the question as to whether at the end of the day our lives are pointless, just a boring humdrum of monotonous daily existence. Sartre would have us believe that when man looks within himself all he perceives is a void and it is from this void that he gets his strength. There are as many different takes on this strange phenomenon called life as there are people living their unique lives, battling unique problems. What is this thread that binds us together, this thread of commonality that lends itself to all of us being so distinctly unique yet at the end of the day part of the same species with the same hopes, the same aspirations, the same dreams, the same worries.."Will I get through the night?".."Will morning bring with it the promise of a brighter future?".."All is not lost, bol?"

Love is another enigma. Even though I've never had the experience myself of being in a relationship and so not being in a position to draw conclusions based on first hand experience, I have seen too many couples with, again, that same thread binding all of them and their relationships. The human need for unconditional love is, I suppose. as ancient as the creation of mankind itself when people learnt to discover desire and the inherent need to be with a person of the opposite sex. A perfect relationship is something we all crave for but something that rarely, if ever, comes to fruition. Still amidst all the fights, all the drudgery, people stick it out to the very end. What is amazing though is the strength of the human heart. The power to love. The power to care. The power of compassion. On the other hand the human heart can be truly frightening. The desire to annihilate. The struggle for power. The fight for supremacy. Too many nations have perished, too many people have suffered because of the vagaries of the human heart, more so because of the whims and fancies of a few conceited individuals. 

Hope. That magic four letter word. Without hope, what would we be? The essential fabric that makes us all human. The promise of a better tomorrow. The insatiable appetite for self improvement. The strength to carry on. Truly we human beings are made of stronger stuff than we think. Think of the magnificence of a species which is perfectly endowed with the capacity to battle any kind of situation head on, bestow love on another person and still have the courage to dream about a better future anidst the desdire to impove the present!

Nip in the Air

Aahh that time of the year again...the nip in the air...the old familiar chilly feel...kind of a blessing really, given that the Kolkata summer can be quite oppressive when in full force. On the downside though there's the fact that this weather does tend to make you give vent to your procrastinating and lazy side :P

The past couple of days have passed by in such a blur that I really donno where it began and where it ended..

Shock

As a child and even as a full-grown adult there were(are) always i believed(believe)in. So how to react when something that you thought wasn't going to happen suddenly materialises in front of you and hits you like a wet slap on a cold winter's day? I don't know. Left feeling shocked beyond disbelief. Me? Just goes to show the gamut of human emotions and the length they can take you. Or do I blame it on the technology explosion? How the fast the world has actually become that these very emotions can lead you on the path to sure and certain destruction? I mean why? why? why? why would an individual want to throw away everything it has for a seemingly trivial pursuit that too when it could possibly not be left wanting in anything? Not anything that meets the eye, to say the least. I wonder what it is that human beings have hidden underneath their exterior that doesn't catch the naked eye but is always there, waiting to erupt in the most painful ways imaginable? I don't want my perfect world to be rocked to the core yet again. Maybe I'm over-reacting but I have seen too many people and their lives to not be affected in the least by this sudden turn of events. However detached I may try to seem with respect to all this I just can't because at one level, at least, it affects me and I just can't pretend it doesn't. For someone who's been through a lot in his childhood nothing really affects me anymore but I only hope people will have the rationality not to throw away something precious in the haste of the moment and serenity will prevail. Not a vacuum that leaves an ugly distaste which just refuses to go away however hard you try. Why does every corner, twist and turn of this enigma called life have to be filled with surprises. Its not about what's on the surface but what's bubbling underneath and the seemingly horrible implications it could lead to.I thought I was done with my share of surprises, atleast for the time being.

And I know, I'm dead on the surface

But I'm screaming underneath

-

Amsterdam,

A Rush of Blood to the Head,

Coldplay

Clearly, I was wrong. Just so gut-wrenchingly wrong

aahh

Somehow nothing in my life has ever been able to compensate the lethal combination of tea and cigarettes and the tremendously relaxing feeling you get when you're surrounded by your friends at your favourite tea shop...be it in Karunamayee or the locality. I caught up with a friend over tea today and it was really amazing as to how much we had to share. Really gave me a fresh perspective on life and how I shouldn't get bogged down by whatever's happening!

Nothing Much

Well coming back to blogger after a ga of over 3 months or so certainly makes it all the more worthwhile, especially when I see a very favorite blog of mine after a long long time :P

I donno what is it that pulls me back to this very page but at the same time when there's a tonne you need to get off your chest and you really don't know where to go I suppose this really is the best place. When I was a kid, I really used to excel in everything I did, apart from sports, which is but obvious given my bulk and that I used to weigh 95 kilos at the age of 13. My writing skills were par excellent. My English, spoken or otherwise, was brilliant. I was the proverbial teacher's pet. My grades used to be outstanding. I was the cream of the class. This is not my arrogance. Just self-reflection. Everything was smooth until a certain event. Not that I've ever used it as an excuse for underperforming but that doesn't take away anything from the gravity of the situation. After class 7 my grades started slipping very badly. I thought I could continue in this manner till my ICSE and really get away with it. It didn't happen. Average marks.

Then came the real nightmare. Forced into a stream I was totally aghast to study, my life as I knew it became a total nightmare. Everything seemed fine on thew surface but underneath I was hollow and empty. Day after day was a struggle with myself, a fight to rein in my negativities and to keep all sorts of random thoughts out of my head. I lost interest in going to school and my attendance dropped to 49%. Abysmal really. I lost all belief in myself and the pressure at home just made things worse. Pressure to tread the beaten path rather than chart my own course. I did excel in certain areas though but it was never ever given any importance. Brushed under the carpet would be more like it.

Self-pity is a very dangerous thing. At this moment the Michael Stipe feat Chris MArtin version of 'In the Sun' is playing in the background. I'm feeling so low. So low. After a very long time. A very very long time. The worst thing is I can't even put a finger on the problem. This is turning into one hell of a disjointed blog with no continuity whatsoever but what the heck.

Aah yes coming to the more pressing question which begs careful consideration-academics. What does the future hold for me? I donno. No one does actually. From the veyr first day that I finally made it to my college after a long and arduous struggle all I've done is wasted my true potential and left too much to chance.

I had a brilliant chance to make up for my failures in part 2 but for some strange reason it didn't happen. I'm also the sort of person who tends to put a lot of emphasis on feelings and emotions and not hurting those of others and that could be one of the reasons why every fall leaves me more bruised and battered than ever before. I have got to be ruthless. Have to study hard. Have to realiose my potential. The result is not important as long as I have the courage to answer my conscience that YES i put in my best effort. I will make something of my life. This I promise. This is not how I had charted the course of my life and this is not how I want my life to end. I want to make everyone porud even if just for once.

So many confusing and conflicting emotions in my head. Have to shut them all out and focus only on my studies. If it means being an emotionless being without a heart so be it.

Strange thing is even now that I think about it is just not possible to be heartless. I have too much of a feeling heart in me to do that. SO let's cross that one out. What is the next best alternative then? TO balance. One thing I can never ever do.

Stop thinking too much.

Stop watching sitcoms.

Be at peace with yuorself

Lead a constructive life for a change.

I really hope I can make a difference this time. Really

Ruminations

He was feeling under the weather or so he thought.The park seemed a good place to relax,just be by himself with none but his thoughts and the surroundings for company.

It was autumn,just the beginning of fall.The park wore a deliciously leafy look.The leaves as if expressing their anguish at parting from their abode were just starting to wear that pale crimson look.Some were totally their,some not quite.

The impermanence of it all always struck him.What was really constant?Change?The more he thought about it,the more sense it seemed to make to him.So much had changed yet so much still remained the same.The old order changeth,he mused to himself as he watched the leaves scattered in that peculiar pell-mell fashion so typical of them.Just look at them,so content yet so sad,like siblings unbound and unfettered yet longing for the chains that bound them to their erstwhile parent.

Or maybe he was just thinking too much,he thought to himself as he sought out the solitude of a lonely corner where few would even care to look at him and the only passers-by would be couples too madly in love to even cast a passing glance or elderly people who were just content to let life move along at their own pace.

As he took out his pack of cigarettes and lit one,he thought that his life had reached a strange but very concrete deadlock.The twirling smoke was indicative of the state of his mind at that very instant.What was it that he really wanted?Fame?Money?A stable family?Self-gratifying material pleasure?Or did it really matter in a world where all you carry forward to the next existence is your karma and your soul?A broad grin stretching from ear to ear was a clear giveaway that he found great amusement and pleasure in these ruminations.Far removed from the daily grind and enveloped by Mother Nature,he could at long last give the fullest expression to this twirling thoughts without reserve and without being accountable and answerable to anyone but himself

So engrossed was he in his own world that he failed to notice that the edge of the seat had by this time been occupied.His alter existence,his world was one in which everything was static.Change and more change till you got sick of the running and found your shelter beneath the clear blue skies with the gurgle of the flowing stream over the pebble providing the perfect antagonistic foil to his agony and angst-ridden ruminations.His comfort zone.Where everything was perfect.The bliss of it all made the fullest extent of his escapist tendencies shine and blind him from theharsh realities of outside.

With another smile,he lit another cigarette.

"You shouldn't smoke,you know.You won't be alive for much longer if you do.It's a real shame that your generation wastes its life thinking that there's no hope for humanity and that self-gratification and alienation is the only solution"

The voice,though soft and mellow and spoken with a quiet self-determination seemed to shock him out the self-gratifying trance he had invariably enveloped himself in over the course of the past hour and a half and brought him back to his senses faster than ice cold water on a freezing winter's day.The face was kindly and seemed to speak volumes of the trials and tribulations every human being is bound to undergo over the course of a long existence.Weather-beaten,tanned and burnished yet etched with those lines that gave him all the appearances of a fighter.His eyes had a strange twinkle as if all that was worldly wise could be found in the infinite depths of those fathomless tunnels.The piercing gaze seemed to rip apart all the pretence of our youngster we have just witnessed thinking out loud to himself,much to the consternation of the fellow denizens of the park who so much as even cast a passing glance at him.Like an arrow to the heart,his words shot him to the quick.

"Was I really that loud?!",he exclaimed in consternation.

"You don't necessarily have to be loud to catch one's attention,child".Nevertheless it is getting dark and I have to be home early today.Not like the good old days of yore when I used to happily sit in your place and roll joints and drink to absolute merriment and with gay abandon with like minded company!"

"You're a hypocrite,sir"

"Well you might call me someone who just thought it best to utter friendly advice in your favour.Nevertheless I'm off.See you tomorrow"

"How're you so sure?!"

"I know the ways of youth"

With that said,our elderly character casts a kindly twinkle at the pudgy youngster and strolls off amiably at a leisurely pace befitting his advancing age.We'll leave our youngster at the point where he thinks of this strange encounter and prone as his mind is to wander uninhibitedly,arrives at more than one possible conclusion to this strange and chance encounter.As he strolled home,he thought to himself..."Who was this benign and strange fellow whose acquantaince I seemed to have made just by chance and who seemed to read my thoughts to perfection?Will I meet him again if I come again to this very same place,like he promised?"

As to whether these two characters actually did meet again is quite another very interesting story and desereves telling in a different time and space continuum.For now,we can only think,watch and wait.

Musings

I donno what's wrong with me these days but I barely have any time to listen to my favourite music these days.Not that I'm this crazily busy person with a 9-5 not having a minute to spare but i really can't remember the last time I sat down with my guitar and played to my heart's content.Maybe its the pace of my life.Maybe its become too hectic.My fingers move like unwilling slaves on the fretboard these days,I can't recognise songs being played and end up staring blankly at the face of my friends who stare at me incredulously.

Same goes for movies.Although I do agree I was never one of your movie buffs I did catch a movie or two whenever I'd get time to spare with my friends.Nowadays I have to rack my brains to remember the last time I saw a movie,read a good book,heard a good song with the true affection it deserves and thoroughly read the newspaper.

Something's going wrong somewhere but I just donno what :P

Its just that I guess I tend to waste my time with too much unproductive thinking,daydreaming and what-not.

I will take a firm resolve and a strong determination to put a stop to all that and make a fresh start :D

I'm always home early from college but ask me as to what I did the whole day and I come up with a blank stare.I just can't recollect having done something constructive/worthhwile.That;'s how pitiful and meaningless my life has become and it really is high time I put a stop to all this.

I resolve!

:D