I donno what is it that pulls me back to this very page but at the same time when there's a tonne you need to get off your chest and you really don't know where to go I suppose this really is the best place. When I was a kid, I really used to excel in everything I did, apart from sports, which is but obvious given my bulk and that I used to weigh 95 kilos at the age of 13. My writing skills were par excellent. My English, spoken or otherwise, was brilliant. I was the proverbial teacher's pet. My grades used to be outstanding. I was the cream of the class. This is not my arrogance. Just self-reflection. Everything was smooth until a certain event. Not that I've ever used it as an excuse for underperforming but that doesn't take away anything from the gravity of the situation. After class 7 my grades started slipping very badly. I thought I could continue in this manner till my ICSE and really get away with it. It didn't happen. Average marks.
Then came the real nightmare. Forced into a stream I was totally aghast to study, my life as I knew it became a total nightmare. Everything seemed fine on thew surface but underneath I was hollow and empty. Day after day was a struggle with myself, a fight to rein in my negativities and to keep all sorts of random thoughts out of my head. I lost interest in going to school and my attendance dropped to 49%. Abysmal really. I lost all belief in myself and the pressure at home just made things worse. Pressure to tread the beaten path rather than chart my own course. I did excel in certain areas though but it was never ever given any importance. Brushed under the carpet would be more like it.
Self-pity is a very dangerous thing. At this moment the Michael Stipe feat Chris MArtin version of 'In the Sun' is playing in the background. I'm feeling so low. So low. After a very long time. A very very long time. The worst thing is I can't even put a finger on the problem. This is turning into one hell of a disjointed blog with no continuity whatsoever but what the heck.
Aah yes coming to the more pressing question which begs careful consideration-academics. What does the future hold for me? I donno. No one does actually. From the veyr first day that I finally made it to my college after a long and arduous struggle all I've done is wasted my true potential and left too much to chance.
I had a brilliant chance to make up for my failures in part 2 but for some strange reason it didn't happen. I'm also the sort of person who tends to put a lot of emphasis on feelings and emotions and not hurting those of others and that could be one of the reasons why every fall leaves me more bruised and battered than ever before. I have got to be ruthless. Have to study hard. Have to realiose my potential. The result is not important as long as I have the courage to answer my conscience that YES i put in my best effort. I will make something of my life. This I promise. This is not how I had charted the course of my life and this is not how I want my life to end. I want to make everyone porud even if just for once.
So many confusing and conflicting emotions in my head. Have to shut them all out and focus only on my studies. If it means being an emotionless being without a heart so be it.
Strange thing is even now that I think about it is just not possible to be heartless. I have too much of a feeling heart in me to do that. SO let's cross that one out. What is the next best alternative then? TO balance. One thing I can never ever do.
Stop thinking too much.
Stop watching sitcoms.
Be at peace with yuorself
Lead a constructive life for a change.
I really hope I can make a difference this time. Really
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